You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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