just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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