3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
