then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
