as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
