i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
