The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
