rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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