Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
