did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
she woke up with a sticky ear
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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