I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
COCAINE IS GR8
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize