I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
