Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
