Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
