woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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