I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
