dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
