we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
