Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
