3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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