i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
