Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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