After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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