remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
