I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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