I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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