im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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