My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize