So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
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