Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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