That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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