I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
The uberlube is also flammable
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
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