i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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