how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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