Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
