Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
why didn't you poke me back
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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