I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
