I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
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