Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
sarcasm needs its own font
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
