You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
