Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Randomize
