And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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