If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
