It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
