WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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