Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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