I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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