I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
