Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize