is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We left an ass print on the piano.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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