I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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