i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
