I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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