I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Randomize
