i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
