Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I think im going to throw up on grandma
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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