there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
