Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Watching her eat just hurts me
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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