Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
