I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
