I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
