I feel great
I just peed on a car
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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