When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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